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Does friendship with ex-wife fit a pattern?
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2012, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • I have been seeing a wonderful gentleman for over a year now. He was divorced for about a year when we met and is committed to maintaining a friendship with his ex-wife. My dilemma is that while we have been dating, his ex-wife has indicated to him that she will always love him, that she has had recurring dreams about him and misses certain things about their married life. I feel the line of conversation is disrespectful to me and inappropriate. I have discussed my discomfort with him, and he maintains there is little he can do about it because he "can't control what she does or how she feels." I am hurt that he is still willing to pursue a friendship with her when he knows it hurts me. Am I expecting too much?

Feeling disrespected

Dear Disrespected • Facts are funny things. I can see these facts — assuming their accuracy — from your perspective and agree that he's a little too cozy with his ex. Or I can shift my perspective and see nothing inappropriate. They were married, they're friends now and her ongoing love and recurring dreams would be entirely unremarkable as points in an honest and free-ranging conversation. I can shift perspectives again and ask why he's relating what his ex said, since you obviously weren't there to hear it. Could be he's open by nature, or just takes care to fill you in so there's no sense he's keeping ex-wifely secrets. Or, could be he not only enjoys dangling the ex on a string, but also discovered a rich vein of manipulative potential in dangling the ex's love in your face. Since I can't say definitively who (if anyone) is in the wrong here, and since you've got the "If you really loved me" goggles on — very bad for one's judgment — I suggest: (1) Wait. (2) See. A person's value isn't in the way he treats you; it's in the way he treats everyone. So, think beyond your borders and consider whether his choices are kind to the ex. Does he try to be good to everyone? Is it decency or pandering? Does overindulging his ex fit with who he is, or is it exceptional? Does he play people off each other? Does he show different faces? Watch, listen, wait.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

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